Tuesday, February 2, 2010

the little moments - 1/14/10

This week has been almost surreal. I can't believe that just over two weeks ago my life was...normal...complete...perfect. This week, that life feels like a lifetime ago.

This week was full of doses of reality. Detail after detail to be attended to, phone call after phone call to try to get our life in order - each time having to repeat my story over and over to those on the other end - and each time finding that I can't get it out without crying.

Chris was one of those people who just got things done. It was one of the things that made him an amazing husband. He handled all of our finances - paying bills, managing accounts, keeping track of the literally hundreds of username/password/security question combinations that are the keys to our online lives. He took that burden on so that I didn't have to worry about it, and I love him for that - it was one of the many ways that he showed me that he loved me, and took care of our family.

This week has also been full of little moments that remind me of Chris. Earlier in the week, as I was going down our list on the DVR to find a specific episode of "Wonder Pets" for Colleen, I had to flip through all the shows that Chris had taped. Poker after Dark, TNA Wrestling, Real World/Road Rules Challenge....I laughed loud with as we saw the list. Chris liked what he liked, and didn't make any excuses about it - which was one of the reasons he was an amazing man.

I found one of his gray, long sleeve, Dri-Fit Nike shirts in his closet, and have been sleeping in it. It is huge - almost down to my knees - but just having it on is so comforting, but also heartbreaking. Chris was so tall that I fit perfectly into the crook under his arm - I used to tell him that it was made for me, and it would make him laugh.

Every day, Chris would wake up, get Colleen out of bed, and go and make her breakfast. Her favorite breakfast was Nutri-Grain Eggo Waffles, but she only allowed Chris to make them. We had a joke that "Dada makes the waffles" and no one else. This week, every morning we have asked her if she wants a waffle, and she has said no. I know I shouldn't project, or assume what she is thinking, but I think that she wants to keep that between her and her Dada.

It's these little moments in our everyday life that I will miss the most. Eating breakfast as a family. Waking up together. Laughing in the car on the way home from work. Seeing Chris with Colleen in the morning - with her crazy hair and sleepy eyes. Knowing that I had someone I loved, and who loved me, that would be there for me no matter what. I didn't take those moments for granted - Chris and I would talk about how much we loved our life and each other, and how lucky we were - but that doesn't mean that I won't miss them dearly.

I have also seen God doing amazing things in my life this week. Assuring that I didn't have to drive to Austin to go to the doctor by having a great visit to a local doctor on Monday. Allowing my twin sister Karen to stay with my from the day of the accident until yesterday - he knew that I would need here with me. I know he is watching over us because it seems like every need we have is filled as soon as we recognize that we need it. It is impossible not to see how God is working in my life. It doesn't make my heart hurt less, but it does make it a little more peaceful. I can feel his love for me and my family shinning on us - and giving us a ray of hope that we will all make it out of this ok.

On the long journey ahead, I pray that I will continue to be able to see his hand in my life - and not to have my vision clouded by tears. For everyone who is praying for us - thank you. I want you to know that we see and feel and hear the work of God around us, and that we are so appreciative.

Be thankful today for your everyday blessings - seen in the little moments of life,

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