Monday, April 26, 2010

Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it

God has continued to bless our lives over the last two months.  Physically, I was able to walk without crutches in mid-March, and remove my walking boot two weeks ago.  Wearing two shoes was a strange transition after four months of my “special boot”, and it was precious that Colleen kept saying that “Momma’s leg is allllll better.”  I have an amazing physical therapist who has not only helped heal my body, but also serves as a ray of God’s light in my life.  It is almost hard to remember that just a few months ago I was crawling through my house because it was easier than using my walker, and just one month ago it hurt to walk even short distances without my crutches.   With every pain-free step, I am reminded that God is good.

The last two months have brought big changes in other parts of our lives as well.  I returned to work full-time, and have begun to adjust to the reality of being a single mother.  The first few weeks were hard.  I had to adjust to getting up, getting myself and Colleen ready, and getting to work on time.  While I was off crutches, it still hurt badly to walk, so every task too longer than it normally would.  Colleen was not used to going to school early in the mornings , and had a hard time adjusting to our earlier schedule, and by the time we get home each night, I have household chores and work that keep me busy until late.  I was exhausted, mentally and physically.

 I chose to go back to work during Spring Break, so that I would be able to transition during a slow week.  I walked into my office on my first day and was greeted by an enormous sign on my wall –signed with personal notes from all of my colleagues - welcoming me back.  I stood in the doorway and cried.  I am blessed to work with an amazing community of people that has showed me so much support.  I am overwhelmed by their kindness daily.

 I also hadn’t  thought to prepare myself for how different my workday would be.  Chris and I had a work life was very different than most couples.  Our buildings on campus were literally across the street from each other.  We would ride to work together most days, eat lunch at home together almost every day, and chat sporadically on instant messenger all day.  Whenever something funny, or stressful, or random would happen, we would send a quick note to each other – make each other laugh and get on with our day.  The first few days at work, I had such a hard time remembering that he wasn’t there.   There were so many things that happened during the first few days that I wanted to tell him about – I felt a sense of loneliness that I wasn’t prepared for.  I ended up crying many other times that week.   I would close my office door – take a deep breath – and ask God to help me make it through the next hour.  It was hard, but I did it.  And the second week was easier than the first, and the third easier than the second, and it has continued to get easier as the weeks have gone on.  Now that my leg is feeling so much better, our mornings and evenings are easier.  Colleen and I laugh, we play in the back yard, we watch the movies, we go to the park, we make dinner, we eat ice cream – we do all of the things that make life….beautiful.  Of course, every day we wish that Dada was here with us, but we both know that we are living how he would want us to live – with strength, with hope, with joy, and with love.

This past week, we honored Chris at the Texas A&M campus Muster ceremony.  In all my years of attending Muster, I never imagined myself holding a candle for my husband.  It was a hard, but beautiful day, and one that I am honored to have participated in.  Chris had people all over the world say “here” for him that day.  His life lives on in the memories of those that he loved, and who loved him, and I know how lucky we are to be able to celebrate his life with our Aggie Family.

God also continues to send us messages of hope and love.  We have been blessed the opportunity to buy a new home that is within walking distance of Chris’ wonderful parents – Colleen’s Meme and Poppa.  They have always been an integral part of our daily lives, but their support has been incredible the last few months.   I was not looking to move.  I love our house.  It is the house that we built our family in.  It is our home.  But I have made a commitment to accept the gifts that God sends to me with open arms and an open heart, and he couldn’t have sent a more clear message with the gift of this new home.  I know that Chris would love for us to live so close to his parents - it will be a blessing in all of our lives - and I am so thankful.

Please continue to pray for us as we make this transition.  We continue to feel the power of your prayers in our lives, and continue to be awed by the wonder of God’s love and faithfulness.  I still miss my Chris every day, but each day I am filled with joy at the light in Colleen’s eyes, her beautiful smile, and the peace that God is leading our days.

I will leave you with the song that is touching my heart now.  I am touched by the reminder that “We are not long here.  Our time is but a breath.  So we better breathe it.” and comforted that truly “Hope is coming for me”.
With Love,

Brooke Fraser – CS Lewis Song:

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos’ my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become


For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming